Shortly after getting the news the 1st trimester symptoms kicked in. I was sick... and nauseous... and sick... and nauseous... and sick again. I felt like I was about to throw up at all hours of the day. I kept a sleeve of arrowroot cookies by the bed and ate one the second I got up to settle my stomach a bit but still threw up every morning. John got so used to it he didn't even flinch after a while, just kept brushing his teeth as I heaved into the toilet in the bathroom. I remember sitting on the streetcar going to work with my head practically all the way out the window trying to breathe deeply and make it all the way in (I did a few times have to abandon the plastic bag I was carrying my lunch in and turn it into a barf bag. Fortunately I always made it off the streetcar before this happened). It's such an awful feeling - the longer you go without eating, the more nauseous you get but the thought of eating ANYTHING makes you gag. John used to ream off lists of foods "do you want pasta? chicken fingers? salad? toast? fish?" and everything he mentioned made me want to barf but he knew that I was hurtling toward the panicked state of NEEDING to eat ASAP. He once commented that he hadn't expected me to be such a high-maintenance pregnant lady... Obviously the words of someone who has never experienced morning (a.k.a. "all day") sickness. I was also horribly constipated, which was terrible too. Between the sickness & the nausea, I logged some serious hours every day in my workplace bathroom and resolved that every pregnant lady needs a private bathroom that is hers alone all day every day! My boobs never became particularly sore but they got big alright! And my nipples became bigger and darker - it's disturbing. That's something nobody warns you about - that your boobs don't just grow, they become these tribal-lady breasts that are terrifiying. I also had a lot of little cramps and stomach pains that made me crazy. All the pregnancy books say that it's "normal" to experience some feelings like premenstrual cramps, etc. and then in the next chapter say that if you have any cramping you could be having a miscarriage and you should go to the hospital! I worried far more than I should have. Oh, ya, and slept for about 12 hours a night. I can literally remember going to bed at 8:30! And peed ALL THE TIME. Ooh, and one of my favourite pregnancy stories was the night I woke up to pee (for the zillionth time) and at our old house we had to go downstairs to the bathroom. So I was on my way down the stairs when I realized out of nowhere I was going to throw up. I started to run and made it to the toilet before I hurled but the pressure of vomiting was too much for my over-flowing bladder and with every heave I peed all over the floor of the bathroom! Good thing I was naked and our bathroom floor is tile. I was laughing to myself (at my own expense) as I mopped it all up and went back to bed. Glamorous.

Bianca at work was the first person I told after John because I knew I'd need an ally at work! She was amazing. And I distinctly remember after having my 10 week ultrasound, rushing B into the sample room at work to show her the picture and she was amazed at how much like a "baby" he looked!

The second trimester was much better. I didn't have that feeling that I've heard about where suddenly one morning you wake up and you're like a new woman - you feel like you could do anything. The nausea slowly dissipated but I continued to throw up once a day (in the morning) well into the 2nd trimester. The constipation & tiredness & constant need to pee went away and the only problem that took their place was really sore hips. It started to hurt when I slept on my side but (again with the pregnancy books!) the books all say that it's best for the baby to sleep on your side. We had an orthopedic mattress that helped a lot in that regard but the beds at the Riley's cottage has some really hard mattresses and I can remember going up there and it was amazing to be pregnant (little belly starting to protrude) and just lie in the hammock and sleep and read and relax but the beds KILLED me. I couldn't sleep because my hips were so sore.

The EARLY early days

Well, if we're going to start at the beginning, I should start with the fact that the first time I mentioned to my friends that I may be interested in John in a romantic way, they immediately commented on how beautiful our babies would be. Julian (although he was not even a twinkle in my eye back then) was the first thing on everyone's minds!

It was also a conversation about babies very early on in our relationship that confirmed my feelings for John. We had been dating for a shockingly short period of time and we were at Montana's one night (we were at Montana's most nights back then!) I don't remember how it came up but we started talking about babies and John said that when he saw their little chubby, rubbery arms and legs he just wanted to squeeze them and the way he talked about it, with such awe, made me realize that he was the man for me! I wanted John to be the daddy of my babies and to spend the rest of my life making a home with him.

We'd been married for just over a year when John and I decided it was time to start trying for a baby. Sandra was trying to get pregnant and our friends Mike & Jen were trying as well and it was nice to think of babies among our friends and family that would be the same age as our little one. I'd dreamed of having a baby for so long but when the time actually came to do it I was terrified! I kept thinking about our lifestyle and how much John and I enjoyed spending time alone together. How much I liked lazy Saturdays with nothing to do and dinners out at nice restaurants. Sleeping in! I worried about how John's and my relationship would change and I worried about turning into one of those couples who were just busy and looking after the kids and didn't have time for each other or to enjoy life. I became so scared, in fact, that the first night we officially went up to bed and were going to throw caution (and birth control) to the wind, John almost had to carry me upstairs - I totally stalled! I tried to pretend I was really in to the TV show I was watching, I had work to do, I still needed to do the dishes, etc.! That was September 2004 and it took until April 2005 to get pregnant. I was a bit of a basketcase. I'm usually a pretty laid-back person but when we didn't get pregnant immediatley I started to worry that I would be able to get pregnant and it spiraled out of control! Sandra & Jen both got pregnant and I felt like I was being left behind. I knew it my head that it could take a year or more for it to happen but my heart wasn't listening. In fact, I worried so much that I made an appointment with my GP because I wanted to run some tests and find out if there was a reason I wasn't getting pregnant.

I went to see her in March 2004 and she did a blood test that showed my thyroid hormone levels were low which was something that can affect fertility. She said I'd have to go on a supplement and we were going to follow up and do some more tests. In April John and I went to Punta Cana on a FREE trip John had won. I felt "free" for the first time in months. There was a reason I hadn't gotten pregnant, it was something that could be easily fixed, we were on vacation... I let go of the stress and finally felt like it would happen when the time was right and decided not to worry about it anymore. Famous last words!! Punta Cana is where Julian was conceived.

I didn't even have pregnancy on my mind (for the first time in nearly a year!) while we were away - I even had a few drags of a cigarette! A couple of weeks after we got back I went to see Dr. Kiraly again and she did some more blood tests, including a pregnancy test. I knew it was early but figured it was close enough. The test came back negative. The day I got the results we went to Mike & Jen's house to play poker and I drank a few glasses of wine feeling secure in the fact that a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL had told me I was not pregnant! But a week later I still hadn't got my period. I told myself if I hadn't gotten it by the weekend I would do a test. John was going away for a boys weekend and I thought I could do it incognito so John wouldn't think I was being crazy!! Even I thought it was a long shot and didn't want to spend lots of money so I used this cheap little half-assed pregnancy test that John's mom had given us (she'd given us two of them, in fact. She'd brought them up from L.A. because she knew we were trying & didn't want us to keep having to pay for the expensive Canadian tests!) It was the Saturday morning. I woke up and did the test but wasn't even nervous about it because I "knew" I wasn't pregnant. When I went back in to check it I sat right down on the bathroom floor in disbelief. I sat there staring at it for ages and then ran and got the 2nd cheap American pregnancy test and did that one too - same thing! But that STILL wasn't enough. I got in the car and drove to Shoppers Drug Mart and bought the most expensive, heavy-duty, deluxe pregnancy test on the market. I went home and did that one - it came back positive and that's when I finally believed it. I was pregnant!

It was so nice for me to have all day Saturday and Sunday alone. I got to just sit and think about it and let it sink in. The news was mine and mine alone for over 24 hours! I looked up the baby's due date and signed up for the babycenter email newsletter right away! I also got to think about how to tell John when he got home from the boys weekend the next day. We didn't have money to do anything elaborate but I made dinner and put an envelope on his plate. It was an invitation. It said, "you're invited to the birth of your first-born on January 17, 2006" (which is what I thought the due date would be). He opened it and just smiled and said, "really? you're kidding me!" Then the two of us kept the news all to ourselves for a few days, which was amazing. I couldn't believe it had finally happened! I was too excited for words.